Dear John

Dear John

I write this letter in a state of confusion. Confused because what i thought was, isn't and what i had so hoped would happen just won't.
I write this letter in wonder. Wondering how a person could be so stubborn as to refuse to pay attention to the signs right in front of them.
I suppose i saw it coming but didn't want to admit that this was happening....again. You were supposed to be it. You were supposed to surpass them all. To be better than them all. You restored hope where all hope was lost but now, we are back to square one. Hopeless.
I suppose this is affirmation that maybe i'm not so much "the shit" as i think i am. Maybe i can't have it all. Maybe i'm not supposed to.
I take responsibility for reading too much into a sentence and hearing the words come out of your mouth the way i want to hear them.
I take responsibility for understanding that flowers and candy must be a sign of affection and willing myself up to a cloud 9, refusing to come down, while your flowers and candy are delivered to her too..
I didn't want you to be a "filler" or the "temporary fix" because i believed you were better than that.
I didn't think i would ever be at this point. I thought the supposed bliss would only amplify over time.
I realize now that i DID have an expectation after all. I shouldn't have had any expectations, but i did! These expectations must've have formed in some circumstance or other but that's ok. As the days pass, the gap from me to you becomes 10 times wider. That sucks, but that's life.
It's not your fault...this is not a blame letter. I'm not pointing any fingers. I'm just trying to make sense of the situation, you see. I am a person of logic. I always need an answer to every unanswered question. Now, i wake up with a single question every day. A question i have the answer to but still, i have an unmatched level of satisfaction with that answer. This question will probably be on my mind for the next week where, like a broken tune, i will replay some conversations to try to make sense of it all until finally, connects some dots of my own and draw some conclusions. But still.......i think about the bliss...the laughs...the talks and can't help but say What the FUCK happened???


peace&love