Knowing you

Today, on the 24th anniversary of your death, i find myself thinking about you...wondering what you would be doing at this very moment if you were here. Would your smile still have the same softness and quietness? Or would it be more worn out by time and experience?

I go back to my earliest memories...sitting on your lap when you got home from work. Memories at the beach in Kribi. Wondering what new memories we would have formed.

I think about what your voice must have sounded like. I wish there were videos or recordings of you so that i could familiarize myself with your voice which i imagine was warm and soothing...which sounded like home.

I think about the man you would be now. Would you be here in the states? back home? What would our relationship be like? would i be the eternal daddy's girl that i often dream about? being spoiled by you so much that i am almost a brat? Or would our relationship be more strained where i see you as this man that i should fear? I imagine myself coming to you each time my heart was broken or stressed or going through an obstacle life has thrown my way... and you, in the quiet way i imagine you to be, telling me i would be fine.

I wish i had the chance to know you but I'm thankful for the stories i hear of you because they allow a glimpse into the person you were. The life of the party, whose presence was always felt. I'm thankful to know how much you were loved. The emotions and feelings that are revved up by the stories that are narrated about you tell me that you touched many people in a profound way. Although i don't know you as much as i would wish, I am proud to know that so many people felt moved by you.

I see you in my brothers...in their mannerism, the way they talk, walk and carry themselves. How i wish you were here for them to look up to. How i wish you were here for them to love. How i wish you were here for them to learn your ways.

How i wish you were here for me. i'd give anything to talk to you. I'd give everything to know you.

When i think about the circumstances of your death, i sometimes wonder how....and why. How does a 26 year old with a toddler and an infant go on about life after losing her husband? How does a parent bury their child at that young of an age? this is not the natural order of things. Parents shouldn't bury their children. I've learned not to question God...i believe there is a reason for everything but sometimes my mind can't help but ask question.

Today makes it 24 years. I wish that i knew you. I wish that you were here. I wish i could hear your voice. But i will have to settle for your pictures...the stories told about you and the spirit that lingers.

I wish i could tell you that i love you. but i know that God is keeping you and i know that you can feel the love that i have for you.

I love you now, i love you forever.

RIP