Faith

Faith has been a re-occurring theme in life lately. Faith in myself but most importantly, Faith in God has been put on trial. There are so many things i want to say and i will try to express them without sounding crazy so please bare with me.
Faith in Self: Have you ever wondered why some people believe in you? Has anyone ever told you how they think you are great and capable of accomplishing whatever you set your mind to? I've heard that lately and i want to ask "how do you know"? who told you that i am capable of doing any of those things? why do you believe in me so much? I am a confident person but i don't know where these doubts stem from. Losing faith or ceasing to believe in yourself is one of the most tragic things that can happen to a young mind. Faith is the driving force behind most success and without it, failure is almost a guarantee. At least that's how i see it. Sometimes you can't help but have doubt. Doubt yourself, your abilities and wonder if what you are doing really matter or will even be relevant many years from now. It is really hard to hold on to faith, especially when you are used to excelling in life. It becomes hard to accept that you can succeed again after failing at something. It is important not to lose faith in self. The world may be collapsing around you but having this little thing called faith can be the difference between survival and not.
Faith in GOD: As much as i go to church and work on my relationship with God, in the back of my mind, i can't run away from thoughts that scare me. I can't escape these scary thoughts of doubt which more than occasionally cross my mind. I hear pastors preach of things like "Speaking in tongues" and the scientist in me can't help but question things. I want to believe it is possible. The bible describes an instances where people are filled with the Holy Spirit and start to speak in tongues. I really, really want to believe but i find it so hard. I read different things that say Trust God or have faith in God and although i do, sometimes i am doubtful. I hate that i am doubtful but that is just how it is. I have watched a lot of Joel Osteen ministries and i love how this man has his way with words. He spreads a message of positivity and believing that God has a plan for your life. I enjoy watching Joel because he doesn't condemn people. Many pastors portray a holier than thou demeanor and i am glad Joel does not. Anyway, every time i watch Joel, i feel like my faith is a little stronger. I then decided i needed to find a church where i could feel the way i felt after i watched Joel. I am catholic but i am sorry to say i don't feel as though the catholic church around here makes me spiritually satisfied. I went to a pentecostal church and the pastor had an interesting sermon. He preached that many of us are raised going to church as a habit on Sunday. None of us really take responsibility of our faith or try to seek God on our own. He was so dead-on that i felt like i was supposed to hear that message. I go to church every Sunday because yes, i believe and serve God but to say i have fully taken my faith into my own hands will be a partial truth aka a lie. I feel like i have only met the bare minimum requirements for fully having a relationship with God and this is not ok. I am on a mission to fully engulf myself in the teachings of the bible and develop an even deeper relationship with the Lord. I hunger for a closeness to God which i know i lack. I am willing to do whatever it takes. I have signed up for a couple of bible study sessions because i have read the bible but i have never read it cover to cover so i feel a bible study class will help in that aspect. I hope to do away with these doubt which in like a thorn in my side as i learn more about the church.

peace&love