Blank

Woke up this morning with a 100o things on my mind. This has been a trend lately. I think about the future a lot. I worry about the future a lot. I worry about my loved ones...i am a worrier!

I woke up and as soon as i got out of the shower, there was a dark cloud over me. I was in a mood. It might have been due to the snow so i tried to shake it off.

Get to work, boss has 1001 things for me to do as usual which is cool...but today it just seemed extra annoying. Maybe it was the way she said it..

Anyway i start working...everything is going well, no errors are being made and then i take a break for lunch.


Now, I've always had a strange reaction to death. I remember the first dead body i ever saw. I was 3 years old. I could hear people crying all around me. I learned the word "death". At the age of 3, you cannot fully comprehend the concept of death. She told me while sobbing that i would never see him again. At that age all i could think was wow....death.
I'm a grown-up (kinda) now and the notion of death is still strange. How do you react to the death of someone? I feel the exact same way i felt when i was three years old. Blank, emotionless. Nothing to say, nothing to do. Definitely no tears. I see people crying around me and wondering if i should be crying too. But i cannot force tears that simply won't be there. Are the tears and sadness supposed to signify how close you felt to someone who passed away? i don't feel that is the case because i've lost a TON of people i was close to..i've cried for some and others i haven't even shed a tear. I remember one particular incident where i lost some people...3 in a car accident. I was overwhelmed by shock and the unexpectedness of that loss had me broken. So broken that i wept for the entire day. I was 15. My grandfather broke my heart the day he left. That was years ago. I was extremely hurt but you couldn't tell if you looked at my face. No emotion.
As i get older, i wonder when i will be one of those people who sit around and have an immediate response to a loss. Immediate tears. Immediate sadness instead of this emotionless, blank state. God forbid i ever have to be the one to tell a little girl she will never see someone she didn't get a chance to know ever again. God Forbid. I put it on my twitter page today. If and When i write my manual to life, i will be sure to include a HUGE chapter on how to deal with death. Right after i figure out the appropriate response. Instead of just....blank

peace&love