Early morning thoughts

I finally figured out what is wrong with me. When it comes to relationships/dating and what not, i SUCK. I feel like i have always known why i suck but then i read something an hour ago which put it all into perspective. This person talks about what effect the incident had on him and i believe this same incident had an identical effect on my which is why i am terrible. Please read and enjoy because i read and thoroughly enjoyed.

Click here

After reading that, i realize that the person i was dealing with was emotionally wrecked by some other woman that he returned the favor to me.

My next question is finding a "solution" to this problem. Am i caught in an endless cycle where i will proceed with caution into everything and not fully letting my guard down, ever?

I'm at the age where my peers are starting to have children and marry. When we sit around to have a conversation, the topic of marriage comes up and they all talk about how they want their wedding day to be. Some of them have their weddings planned out (in their heads) down to the finite details like what color the carpet has to be. And while they go on, i am quiet. Why? it's not because i don't want to partake in conversation, it's because i cannot envision myself in that position. I have almost never pictured myself in a wedding gown. Not because i don't want to, but because it is hard for me to entertain the possibility of a man telling me and the world that he wants to commit to spend the rest of his life with me and only me. Not only does this sound unrealistic to me right now, it makes it seem like we DON't live in a crazy world where really, anything that can happen, will happen. I know this post sounds really pessimistic and semi depressing, but it is a sad reality that i face. I strongly believe in "Actions speak louder than words" because people will act on what they truly want. I really don't think anyone who goes through that can be fully restored 100% to their original selves so what do you do? You proceed with caution, you suck at dealing with emotions, you push people away who try to get too close and more importantly, you wait. You wait for that one person who will make that situation feel like a bee sting rather than being run over by a truck. The person who will earnestly look at you and say "i understand what you went through, and i am patient enough to work with you because it's gon' be alright!"
But like i said, this is unrealistic and this person probably doesn't exit.

peaceful and ever so loving