Friendship

I'm introverted.

I think that has to do with why i write because i find it easy to express myself in writing....as i have expressed several times.

Some people mistake my introversion for quietness. There's a difference.

introversion means i will never be the first person to speak in a room full of people. I will shy away from social situations as often as possible and when in social situations, interact with as few people as possible.
Quietness, on the other hand, means when i do get to interact with people, i am a conversationalist. I will talk your ear off especially on things i find myself passionate about.

I was talking to a male  friend of mine yesterday and our conversation took a somber turn once he expressed the sadness he felt at the changing nature of the friendships he has once thought to be tried and true. This got me to thinking about my own friendships and how they've changed over the years. I started to reflect on if the friendships had changed or if it were just me that had changed and if my growth had affected my interactions with my close friends.

i realized that the people i consider close friends do not hold me to the same regard. it's kind of a difficult sentiment to put into words but i'll try. If the person i considered my "best friend" were to be asked if i were her "best friend" in return, i'm 100% certain that they wouldn't mention me. the reverse is also true for me. I put best friend in quotes because the concept of a best friend is so abstract to me...because what exactly makes a person a "best" anything? i mean aside from your spouse, who is a permanent fixture in your life, aren't the people on whom you bestow "best" titles subject to change over time?

Sometimes i think about it and i'm not quite sure what to feel.

I also realized that my friendships are limited by my introversion. That is, because i am introverted, i tend not to be the 100% friend that my non-introverted peers tend to be. I don't even know if the previous sentence makes sense but what i am saying is, i am perceived as different or weird or odd by the people i call my close friends and so when they have a problem or something they want to confide in someone with, they tend to NOT come to me first because of my special qualities.
But then, i ask myself: should this matter? isn't the sole fact that we are friends mean that you have accepted who i am and willing to give me your friendship?
I have to admit that this might be due to the fact that i tend to have a passive role in my friendships. probably because of being introverted.  Or maybe it is a result of how i have perceived the changing nature of my friendships?

I don't feel like trying to figure out this "which came first" dichotomy but sometimes it makes me sad that my friends and i are growing in opposite directions. It hurts actually. Especially in a group of friends, where everybody in the group is growing closer with each other and as a group but i seem to be the outlier.

Growing pains, i guess.

xoxo