full circle.

Everything that happens, seems to happen in some sort of cyclical manner. As in, wherever you begin, is the same place you will end. The last 5 years of my life seems to be leading back to where it all began..and i have a lot of mixed feelings about this.

i've thought about how i wanted to write this post for almost a week. i use this blog as sort of an online diary where i can fully express my thoughts and feelings in words in a way that i can't properly verbalize.

in March or April of this year, i wrote down a few thoughts about something that happened to me that made me essentially question myself in a way that i didn't think i would ever do i hadn't done in a very long time. See i foolishly thought that i had understood my interactions with people to the point where the actions of the people i interact with would never surprise me. Not only did this experience expose my  unabashed and blatant obliviousness to things that were so clear, it also proved that i have quite A LOT to learn. Over the course of the last 7 months, i have learned that i haven't, in fact, figured anything out and as i type this, one of my favorite sayings comes to mind: "i know enough to know that i know nothing at all". i underestimated the power of these words but i have come to truly understand that i actually don't know a damned thing--i can't even begin to tell you how humbling this realization has been. Now, you might wonder what i am trying to say here or what exactly i am getting at. well, i don't want to spend this time talking about what has happened or what had brought me to this point in life even though that's kind of the point of this.  I will just summarize a few points.

There are certain things--facts--that have become my universal truths.

#1. you cannot fight nature or God. what is meant to be, will inevitably be.
From the very beginning, there were classic signs and symptoms of the fact that this man did NOT want me. or maybe wasn't ready for me. I mean, there are a lot of variables that go into that statement--insecurity, emotional immaturity, baggage etc etc etc. but the fact remains.  you know, so many of my friends call me to ask me about relationship advice and when they talk about their actions and the counteraction of the person they are interested in, i quickly diagnose their problem and i tell myself, unfailingly, that i could never be in such a predicament. i mean, when a person says one thing and does things that are actually the opposite of what they are saying, you should immediately see that as a signal to back off. unfortunately, when i WAS in this predicament, i could not see the signs. my oblivion and desire to fight against the current kept me from believing that it was actually happening to me. ME. of all people. i can be rather stubborn sometimes and usually want to act against the natural flow of things. i have learned (and still learning) to let thing be what they may and doing absurd things in the name of love will never change that.

#2. God answers prayers.
it may take some days, months or even years...but i GUARANTEE you, that He is listening and doing things that will blloooooowww, youuuuurrrr. mind. and when he actually DOES reveal some of these things to you, you start to feel like an idiot. like ok, what was i complaining about?! in one particular instance, i prayed and said please remove anything from my life that is not supposed to be there and He answered with the quickness! like i was shocked and taken so far back. wasn't ready for that one. This also means when something happens twice in one year within a seven month span, maybe it's time to LISTEN. step back, re-evaluate and then move forward so you never have to look back

#3. let go
and i mean really letting go. not the little lie you tell yourself. let go Completely. i've thought about everything and i decided that it's best to close that chapter. yes it hurt but things could be way worse. like....way worse. I decided not to be angry...that's not going to change anything. Sad/depressed...not going to change anything either. the only thing that is left is letting go and marching forward. with lessons learned of course.


#4. being grateful
because whether you like it or not, things actually happen for your own good. take it all in. smile, thank God and press on


i wanted to go back and edit all of this but not going to do any of that.

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