Let me pull my hair out real quick

Day 2 of this feeling of dread.

Yesterday, for the first time since I’ve been in Ghana, I woke up with a dark cloud over me. This uncomfortable feeling of unhappiness is definitely unwelcomed since compared to the last 53 days, Its been nothing but bliss (slight exaggeration). Today, I am overwhelmed with this feeling again and I am beginning to suspect that the lack of organization, structure and sometimes professionalism of the people I work for have culminated into a feeling of …disgust. Yes. Disgust. That’s the only word I can currently think of to accurately describe how I feel. It’s getting to a point where I feel miserable as I prepare to go to work because I always foresee myself watching the clock. I have never been in the office for up to 8 hours. Ever. Why? Because I work “with” (in his mind, “for”) a person who would rather interrupt the day to run errands(unrelated to work) just because he can and then complain all day about how much work he has to do. I understand that this is work culture in the public sector. I get it. I feel like I wouldn’t feel this strongly if I were actually learning things. I haven’t learned a single thing since I step foot here. Everything I have done could have been done in my apartment in NYC. There is NOTHING I hate more than feeling like my time is being wasted. I am spoken to in a condescending tone simply because I am a student and spoken to as if I am an American and can’t possibly understand the ways of Ghanaian people. I HATE that. HATE. I cannot STAND the redundancy in stories. 

My personal life outside of work is great. I live for the weekends.

I’ve had these complaints before but my mood wasn’t altered as much and I shrugged it off because I thought it would get better. Day 2 comes with the realization that it’s not going to get better. 4 months to go and it will not get better.

My first job outside of college was extremely demanding and stressful but I survived. This job is the complete opposite of demanding. It’s almost like I am experiencing two extremes. Both of these positions are showing me that you truly need to LOVE what you are doing. LOVE your job. And I think that’s a part of it. I don’t love this. There is potential for me to love this job if I felt like I was making a difference, no matter how small. Sigh.

I’ve started to reflect on questions with hard to explain answers like “What do you want out of a profession?” and “What do you want out of life”? Even when i think i know the answers to these, something like this happens which makes me question where i stand. 

The things that are able to break this cloud over me are the following: Imadi’s smile, emailing my loved ones, eating Fanmilk icecream, watching a movie at home with tea.

On the bright side, I have to thank God for the foresight to recognize that I am being tested. I think God is helping me figure out my ideal work environment. Gotta love that Guy.

I guess I should start working on my thesis.